Enough…Is Enough…
You never know what is enough, until you know what is more than enough. ~William Blake
Tent, mattress, sleeping-bag, shorts and T-shirt, food for 4 days, torch, hammock, GPS and 6L of water all packed tightly into your backpack…independent and autonomous hiking in wild places where big game occur, is the absolute epitome in reconnecting with solid ground.
To return to William Blake’s quote above, 18 out of 20 days in February we spent on primitive hiking trails in various regions within Kruger National Park…I have discovered what is enough…
This rainy season has seen a big improvement on the previous 2 years of serious drought. Having said that, the central area of Kruger is not nearly as lush as the South and North.
Despite dire predictions for the impact of cyclone Dineo, which would have closed the areas we were walking in, it faded and allowed us to proceed.
Some of the days were truly hot (44C/111F) and very humid which is the norm for this time of year. Everyone and sundry suffered from sunburn at some point or another.
What is always remarkable about the green season is the abundance of flowers and insects! Some familiar ones but then also quite a few which I have never seen before, maybe I should pay closer attention when I am out here…I’m just like a kid in a candy store though…no time to truly focus!
Vibrant colours never disappoint and the clouds make for amazing detail. Even all the pans and mud wallows are all brimming with fresh water everywhere!
Now spending time out in Nature is not only cathartic for your soul, but it also allows for self-discovery through the emancipatory consequence of simplicity. Not surrounding oneself with insulating mod-cons and comforts, lays bare our emotions and feelings. Due to the lack of distractions, we are able to recognise these emotions as they surface. The added luxury here is that we can go beyond just recognising emotions, we can allow them the space they require to manifest. Sans the social inhibitions which normally sees us suppress or reject these feelings, we can behold them in all their glory.
Usually we see life in a dichotomous perspective like happy or sad, good or evil, right or wrong, trapped or free, joy or misery…
A lot of our energy is spent in an attempt to avoid the perceived negative aspects or emotions and the pursuit of the positive becomes all-consuming.
Pinning our happiness on succeeding in this, is one of our greatest follies.
The physical component contributes greatly to the generation of these emotions. Muscle-aches from carrying a heavy bag, bruising from the straps or sleeping on a hard surface, sweat from exertion or sheer temperature, a chill from a breeze across a wet body, chafes from shoes or backpacks, exhaustion from long arduous treks with loads of obstacles and tough terrain, thirst from running short on water and not finding suitable drinking sources, hunger, itching and sunburn to mention a few.
The emotions which I have had the privilege of experiencing covered a diverse spectrum indeed. From excitement, anticipation, annoyance, frustration, elation and relief to surprise, bewilderment, joy, awe, anguish and outright anger! Never a dull moment on trail…
Having a penchant for reading authors like Carl Jung, Jiddu Krishnamurti, Allan Watts, Eckhart Tolle, The Dalai Lama, Archbishop Desmond Tutu, David Whyte and the like, I have a smorgasbord of wisdom floating around in my memory upon which I draw from time to time.
In spite of a majority overlap in ideas and concepts regarding achieving emotional peace and harmony, there is something striking which Alan Watts said, echoed by David Whyte, that really triggered some deep contemplation. Alan said that one should be careful in how desensitised you make yourself to emotional distress in an attempt to avoid anguish, as you may become so adept at it that if you were to be hooked up to a biometric testing machine, it might indicate that you are dead! David said that it would be highly disappointing to arrive at death’s door having been gummed to death by life…not having “exposed yourself to the sharper teeth of existence".
The obstacle is the path. ~Zen Proverb
What I take away from Alan and David, is that instead of shying away from FEELING, I am to embrace it! Embrace it wholly.
That which I am attempting to avoid, is exactly what I should invite…
But then also, like some Buddhist thought states, your mind should be like a mirror which reflects the truth, but does not hold on to it.
Not only should I embrace the whole of every pleasant emotion, I should abstain from attempting to avoid those unpleasant ones too. Finding a way of accepting the uncomfortable ones and learning to let go is essential in succeeding here, but certainly not easy.
Thus where before I would deny myself the recognition of my emotions of dislike for certain things in the attempt to appear tough or enough of a bush-man, I am now accepting that I have these emotions. Not feeling embarrassed about them is a different story though. Being honest with myself and also voicing these conflicting feelings as they arise, is new to me but very therapeutic. Maintaining an awareness in “The Now” as The Dalai Lama and Eckhart Tolle would say, however allows for the associated unpleasant emotions to fade in the rearview mirror without a second glance.
So I guess what I’m trying to say in a roundabout way, is that I truly dislike walking in wet, grass-seed filled shoes on muddy unstable terrain, being exsanguinated by mosquitoes, having to constantly make course adjustments due to deep muddy drainage-lines and attempting to sleep in a sweaty oven of a tent!
There…I’ve said it…
At the time of writing I have achieved the reflective aspect of the mirror…the not holding on bit is still a work in progress.
If at this point you think that I don’t enjoy what I do anymore, you are sorely mistaken.
What I’m highlighting here is just the fact that I am finding ways of acknowledging, accepting and processing emotions. These emotions are natural reactions to events we are exposed to on a daily basis and by no means indicative of an overarching sense of being.
Spending my life in the outdoors IS who I am, and sharing its magical therapy with others even more so. I have no intention of deceiving myself that I don’t need it as much as I need to share it.
The Limpopo River was angry. Due to serious rainfall further up the catchment area, the violent flow and heavy silt-load, rendered the water unsuitable for drinking even after digging a well next to the flow and filtering it through a T-shirt. We were relegated to utilising water from the numerous fountains which occur in the region. Normally the springs would be very productive from a wildlife point of view but with so much water about, we had them largely to ourselves. The exception was at Ndeakezane Spring just South of The Limpopo where we had a youngish hyaena stroll into camp whilst we were laying about chatting. It approached quite bravely and since we continued with our conversation, it circled our tents and then snuck even closer for a more thorough investigation. Soon afterwards it lost interest, drank from the spring and departed into the dusk.
The going was tough in all the areas we walked. Some were very muddy where the soles of our shoes caked up adding at least an inch to our hight and a kilogram to each foot!
Other areas had shoulder-high grass and another a thick carpet or knee-high grass under which rocks were hidden. Covering long distances were not possible although we did manage 16km on the one day.
Besides, it’s not about physical prowess, it’s about slowing down, giving ourselves permission to become vulnerable and welcoming the disconnection from our compulsions.
So many fungi I have not seen in a long time. Almost every elephant dung-bolus was covered in them and the image below was taken of some growing in the flattened remains of an elephant bolus.
With the Limpopo being in full spate and rising fairly fast during the time we had lunch on its banks, we thought it prudent to retreat to higher ground overlooking Makwadzi Pan. The view from the little rocky hillock we slept on was just stunning!
My absolute favourite Baobab Tree on Makuleke! It might not have the girth of the largest one there, but this one has such presence and character. Carrying most of its bulk rather high, it is atypical of the norm. The scale of this behemoth is astronomical and it commands awe.
“Blessed are those who see beauty in humble places where others see nothing”.
Author Unknown
Whiling our time out in the wilds always brings encounters and sightings of from the mundane to the sublime. What I have learnt over the years, is that it is each individual who is personally responsible for ascribing the value to whatever it is they encounter.
We are the calibrators of our own sensitivities and are solely accountable for determining our amazement. Beauty is truly in the eye of the beholder. To quote an excerpt from the poem “Lost” by David Wagoner: “If what a tree or a bush does is lost on you…you are surely lost”!
The moment a little boy is concerned with which is a jay and which is a sparrow, he can no longer see the birds or hear them sing. ~Eric Berne
Seeing so many new flowers or insects etc. immediately prompts questions of which family or genus it belongs to. Not carrying a reference library along with us, means that photographs will have to suffice for later identification. But it has been some time now too, where I have stopped being obsessed with identifying every single thing we see. Like Eric Berne says in his quote above, we could stop seeing the wood for the trees if we are not vigilant. Merely noticing something and recognising its intrinsic beauty and magic without naming it, is so important. The next time you are outdoors and see something new, forget about intellectual ownership in the form of a name…just take time to pay fierce attention to the details in terms of shape, texture, colour, aroma etc. and marvel for the sake of those aspects alone.
With the threatening clouds we were forced to add the fly-sheets to our tents. The mozzies were relentless and chased us into the relative security of our tents not long after dark. The rain-sheets however traps the heat and blocks any draft from offering respite from the intense heat and humidity which persists until around midnight. Only in the early morning hours did it cool enough to draw a sheet. I felt very sorry for myself on almost every night…
All the wet grasses and mud eventually also took its toll and destroyed my only pair of shoes! Fortunately they lasted until the very last day before separating.
I would hereby like to encourage you to open up your emotions and embrace them for what they are, without any sense of rejection. Adopting a non-avoidance approach to unpleasant emotions is not comfortable, but through regular exposure it will reduce the anxiety we feel when we know they are as imminent as they are inevitable.
Also, letting go of these feelings once they have been acknowledged, makes tolerating the unpleasant ones a lot more bearable. The sooner you acknowledge the unpleasant ones, the sooner you can let go of them, making space for something else. I have now come to the point where I am almost looking forward to them just in order to let them go. I am sure there are some which will be much harder to part with, but I am blessed that the “hardships” which I am experiencing are nothing more than mere superficial inconveniences.
I count my blessings as often as I can.
Being with the woman I’m with, expressing myself in the way which I do, the magnanimous environment I call not only my office but also my home, the people whom I have the privilege of sharing time with in the wilds, being self-employed (in spite of or maybe because of its ups and downs) all are precious gifts I try not to take for granted.
I would truly not change any of it right now!
There are things I have wanted so long that I would only consent to have them if I could keep wanting them. ~Robert Brault,
If there is one thing which I have wanted for ever, it is to fly helicopters!
There is not a single encounter with a chopper where my heart doesn’t skip a beat.
In my journey to find inner peace, I have relegated this yearning to a long-sleeved white jacket locked away in a padded room lest it cost me my sanity. Pursuing realistically achievable goals is key to finding longer periods of being in the present. I found that living the life which I do does not position me well for realising this calling. Thus ignoring it was my only short-term option.
It is however becoming apparent that even the strongest will is insufficient to keep this one suppressed! I have no idea where this renewed acceptance of this part of who I am may lead…but I’m ready to go the distance!
The Voyage of discovery lies not in seeking new horizons, but in seeing with new eyes – Marcel Proust
Seeing the world as if through the eyes of a child is probably one of the most magical experiences we could hope for. The unadulterated (pun intended) awe for absolutely everything which inspires the imagination we so often let go of as adults. Rekindling those emotions of complete mesmeric captivity cracks the door to what Marcel Proust alludes to in his quote above.
Give it a whirl again…you have done so in the past, so you know how to…
Yours in Awareness